Pictures by Edgar Woo
One of the most impactful moments of my life was when my friend Anilly gave me a white canvas as a present for my little cousin, who like her, loves to paint and create.
Anilly told me that life was like a Canvas.
Life has guidelines, or boundaries, and we can color inside of them and be completely free and creative when you know those boundaries.
That little moment has stayed with me and has influenced many of my choices.
And it’s so so true!
I know that the feminist movement today tells us that we are goddesses who can do anything and everything we want.
And while I agree that sometimes we’re our own worst critics, and we limit ourselves too much, I also think that we’ve lost the meaning and importance of boundaries.
According to Psychology Today:
“The whole point of having boundaries is so that we can contain ourselves within the parameters of where I stop and others begin. It’s really not about keeping others out, as much as it is about defining who you are and what you think.”
So boundaries are not that much about “limiting” ourselves and our relationships, but more a way to organize who we are, where our freedom starts pushing other people’s freedom, and vice versa.
To put it in a simpler form: boundaries come from love, and limits come from fear.
I think that you’re really going to enjoy the conversation on this topic with my friend Estefania on the podcast. Some of the thighs we discussed are:
- 4 reasons why you need boundaries
- 4 steps to defining your boundaries
- The role of flexibility
As we said in our conversation, we’re not licensed therapists!
So if this is a topic that you feel is strongly affecting you, I encourage you to talk to a professional that can guide you in your specific situation!
P.S. this post may contain affiliate links. This means that if you click through and purchase something, I may receive a portion of the price. It’s at no extra cost to you, but the profits go directly back into improving this blog!
4 reasons why you need boundaries
1. Boundaries help with order and protection:
I once read a great analogy between personal boundaries and State boundaries.
No one would say that New York is discriminating against other States because it has boundaries.
Those boundaries help organize the State, help people know where they stand, and limit the power of the Governor of New York over, let’s say, Connecticut.
When you leave the State boundaries, you know you’re entering a State with some different rules.
2. Boundaries are a way of caring for what’s inside:
Going back to the same analogy, different States have different problems, and when you have a boundary, you know what area should State officials be caring for.
The Governor of Florida needs to think first about the priorities of the people within the State of Florida’s boundaries.
And it works exactly the same way with us. Boundaries help us understand that it’s our responsibility to care for our internal wellbeing.
3) Boundaries help you build confidence:
Also, according to Dr. Henry Cloud, author who’s written a lot about boundaries, says: “Clear boundaries communicate who we are and what our life’s purpose is”.
When you set boundaries, you need to question who you are, what you believe. Even though it may feel uncomfortable at first, the end result will be confidence.
You’ll know where you stand, you’ll feel in order, and you won’t have to question everything on a case-by-case basis, which ultimately will reduce decision fatigue.
4) Boundaries are part of a healthy spiritual life:
This was a personal struggle as a Christian because we’re called to give and to serve, so I didn’t want to push people away by setting boundaries.
But then I understood that even Jesus needed to retreat.
In the Bible, we read time and time again about how Jesus himself would withdraw from the people around Him because He needed time to be alone in prayer, or because He needed to focus on His main mission.
A little disclaimer here: with this, I’m not talking about the highly misused concept of “loving yourself before loving others”.
We’re called to sacrificial love, but that doesn’t mean that we need to be available for any request at any time.
Pictures by Edgar Woo
4 steps to defining your boundaries
In our conversation, Estefania offered these steps, and I think it’s a very clever and simple way to approach what may seem like a complicated topic:
1. Audit yourself:
You know I always recommend starting by looking at yourself first and knowing yourself before anything else.
Understand who you are, and what your values are, and what your vision is.
A tool I truly recommend for self-awareness is the first day of my free three-day mini course for confident decision making.
Feel free to download the workbook so you can understand where you stand a little better. Once you know what your values are, move to the next step.
2. Define What Is it That You Allow:
For example, if on the previous step, you determined that you value family, then you allow people in your life who honor family.
In my conversation with Estefania she went into a little bit more detail, so make sure to listen to the podcast episode for further clarification.
3. Define What Do You Allow But You’re Not Comfortable With:
It’s an aspect in which you disagree, but it’s not a deal-breaker.
An example for me is politics.
There are many political views that don’t align with my values and I’m not comfortable with, but I allow them in conversations around me and I don’t have a problem being friends with someone who supports a policy that goes against my beliefs.
4. What you simply don’t allow:
This is the ultimate boundary.
It’s where you draw your line.
Going back to the family example, you could determine that you won’t allow someone to disrespect your family.
Then, it doesn’t matter the context, you stand by your boundary.
Trust me, this is way easier to do when you already know what it is that you don’t allow.
If you wait until the specific moment to draw a line, the emotions of the moment will make it much more difficult.
At the end of the day, your values and your boundaries should be aligned with who your goal is to become in five years.
It’s not about what you want to HAVE in 5 years, but who you’d like to BE in 5 years.
The role of flexibility
Of course, we need to discuss flexibility when we talk about boundaries.
Remember that boundaries are there to serve you and those around you.
If you realize that your boundaries no longer reflect your values, feel free to redesign them.
There are some articles online that recommend having some specific boundaries. Those are good to have a general idea, but not to determine the ultimate truth.
In the end, it’s about what serves you personally and about what serves your relationships.
Also, remember to have grace.
We all deserve the benefit of the doubt because we all can have one minute of assholeness a day.
So don’t rule someone out just because of that one time in three years that crossed your boundaries.
That’s where flexibility comes in.
As women, we have beautiful innate creativity, and boundaries are one tool that helps us to create more freely.
I still go back to that analogy of the canvas and how beautifully it pictured all the possibilities that come with boundaries.
What’s a boundary you’re committing to setting today?
For me, since I value financial responsibility, I’ve decided that I won’t get out of my budget to please other people who want to hang out at a specific place.
Please comment below so we can hold each other accountable.
Can’t wait to see you again soon!
With love, E. ♡
