4 Ways How I Addressed My Identity Issue After Marriage

Last week, Edgar and I celebrated our two month wedding anniversary and I can’t believe how fast time has passed!

When we got engaged in December of 2019, we thought that we wanted to get married fast in January.

But after giving it some thought, we decided to wait a few months and have a more special day. So we were supposed to get married in April.

And then, Covid happened, so of course, it got pushed back.

Almost indefinitely!

So in August we started evaluating the option of having the wedding soon, but it was hard to know a date for sure.

We literally were on the phone with our venue coordinator every 2 days, asking how things were developing.

So in the end, we got the green light for an October 10 wedding.

It was small and intimate because of social distancing, but let me tell you, in the end, it was just perfect!

Of course we couldn’t invite everyone we would have wanted, and since my husband had most of his childhood friends and family in Miami, we decided to give his people more invitations.

During the day there were minor details, but I enjoyed every minute of it!

I loved seeing Edgar’s face as I was walking down the aisle. Too precious!

However, something interesting happened when I decided that it was time to change my last name.

I had decided to change it to my husband’s last name, at least on social media for now, after struggling with it since even before we got engaged.

Make sure to go to the podcast for this full post if you’re more of an auditive person!

P.S. this post may contain affiliate links. This means that if you click through and purchase something, I may receive a portion of the price. It’s at no extra cost to you, but the profits go directly back into improving this blog!

How I made the choice

I started thinking about this even before we got engaged (I guess that’s why people tell me I’m an overthinker 😆).

After over a year of careful consideration, I finally made my choice.

You know I practice what I preach! So I went to my decision-making model, and the answer became clear to me:

✓ My gut told me it was the right decision. It felt right, natural.

My gut was the first one to tell me that changing my last name was the right thing for me, even if I couldn’t understand why.

✓ My heart wanted to change my last name, I was excited about truly becoming one with my husband as a new family.

Plus, I was excited about all the marketing benefits of both being E. Woo 😂.

However, I’d be lying if I said that there wasn’t some fear about the change.

And you know I say that I don’t like to make choices based on fear but love. So I knew that I needed to explore the root of that fear.

✓ My head, however, was not very happy with the change. It was filled with prideful ideas.

I didn’t want to put myself “under” my husband, or to be considered “less than him”.

I didn’t want to lose myself. My fear wasn’t only in my heart, but also in my mind showing up as doubts and insecurities.

And that fear is what we’re discussing today.

In my mini-training, I teach you to choose the option where 2 out of the 3 are aligned.

However, in this case, choosing to go with an alignment defined by fear, didn’t seem right.

At least, I wanted to know what was causing the fear.

I was afraid because I was struggling with my identity

So my quest for understanding this fear about my identity started.

I’ll expand on each point throughout this post, but my reading went like this:

What makes a person, a person?
Needing to find something internal to anchor my identity
If I’m choosing to believe that option… I need to have reasons for it
Some beautiful reasons to change my last name

1. What makes a person, a person?

Option A: Where we’re from

Think about how you introduce yourself.

In my case, I would usually say: Hi, my name is X, I’m from Venezuela, I love Y and Z.

But most of those things have changed in the past five years.

I had to leave Venezuela in 2015 because of the political crisis. Now I can’t go back, at least for a few years.

I can’t renew my passport either because there’s a huge legal crisis and we don’t have an embassy to simply go to renew our passport.

So I don’t have a valid national ID.

I’m not American either, so that leaves me wondering: “where am I really from?”.

I’m clearly not a citizen of this country, and I don’t have a country to go back to… so where does that leave me?

Clearly, my identity isn’t defined by where I’m from.

So I had to keep looking.

Option B: Our personal preferences and personality traits

This is about what we like and dislike. That unique combination of preferences that no one else shares 100%.

Was my identity defined by the unique things and personality traits that make me myself?

I have changed sooo much in the past years. I have different beliefs about many issues and I have changed preferences, taste, and so much more.

Even my mom says that she’s surprised about how much my fashion style has changed throughout the years.

Sometimes I feel like a completely different person because of how much my perspective has changed (which is a good thing, that’s what growing up is about).

So, my preferences and traits are part of who I am, but they’re not the decisive element that makes me who I am.

Am I making sense so far?

Good, let’s keep going.

Option C: Our bodies

This had to be it, right? I mean, I’ve always lived in this same body.

However, our bodies change all the time.

I don’t look like I looked when I was 8 years old.

If we get really deep and philosophical, I don’t look how I looked at conception when I was a fetus… you get the drill.

And I can assure you that I won’t look the same way when I’m 80 years old.

So, am I a different person? Have I been different people throughout my life?

And what happens when a person gets a body transplant?

Usually we don’t think that they stop being themselves.

So your body, the way you look like, and the stage of reproduction and growth that you’re in, don’t define the person you are either.

Option D: Our memories

Am I me because of my past experiences, which are unique to me, and no one else can fully know in their entirety?

But then, what happens if I get into a car accident and I lose my memory?

What about people with Alzheimer’s or another disease that affects a person’s memories?

Do they stop being them because they don’t remember everything about their past?

I think we can agree that this isn’t the defining factor for identity either.

So once again, I was left with the questions:

What makes me, me?

What defines my identity?

Since I couldn’t find what defined my identity, my last name was the only thing left

These questions about identity were really pressing.

So I decided that my last name was the only indication of my “personhood” throughout the years.

I’d always been Eugenia Morgado, so changing my last name would take away what I thought was the only evidence I had of my identity.

And just like that, I realized that my issue with taking my husband’s last name wasn’t the name change itself, it was the fear of losing my identity.

And let me tell you; we’re only afraid of losing that which we think doesn’t fully belong to us.

By placing my identity in all these external factors, I was holding on to external cues, because I hadn’t fully understood what gives me my identity.

2. The road to understanding my identity

If I wanted to know my identity and what makes a person a person, I knew that I couldn’t go to external cues because those are always changing.

Our bodies change, our memories can change, our nationality can change, our values can change… so what is the thing that doesn’t change?

What is that identifying standard that I can always go back to?

I finally understood that God provides that identity.

A God that is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

God has defined my identity, and who I am, even before my creation.

I usually don’t like to use single Bible verses since they lack context, but these truths made a huge difference in my quest for identity:

✓ I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.

✓ God created me for a purpose and with a mission, even before I got to this earth.

✓ God never changes, He’s the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

But, why should we believe what the Bible says about us?

Many people think that it’s an old wisdom book.

Right?

If I was going to fully believe what the Bible said about me, I had to ask myself a few questions.

3. Answer these before believing everything the Bible says

Do you believe there’s a God at all?
Do you believe that Jesus existed?
Do you believe that Jesus was the son of God, and God himself?
Is the Bible a reliable source that contains the word of God?

-> Is there a God at all?

I’m not even going to pretend that I came up with these reasons on my own.

Some incredible people have already laid out these arguments brilliantly.

[Click here and here for some of my favorite books on the topic. I’ve heard INCREDIBLE things about this one too, but haven’t personally read it].

Some of the key points and resources that explain the evidence for the existence of God are:

Allan Parr is a genius at creating digestible theological content. Go watch this 11 minute video for a great starting point.
Just as every creation resembles its creator in a way, our personhood indicates that our Creator has a “personable” condition.
Even Newton ended up concluding that all evidence pointed to a God creator.

“Newton saw God as the masterful creator whose existence could not be denied in the face of the grandeur of all creation” [via].

So yes, I believe that there is a God.

Does that mean that we should already believe that what the Bible says about our identity is true?

First, we need to answer some other questions.

-> Do you believe that Jesus existed?

I think that this is the easiest one, since there’s little disagreement about the actual historical existence of Jesus of Nazaret.

Both Christian and non-Christian scholars wrote about this man’s existence, His work, and execution.

In fact, when we look at the Gospels as mere historical documents, we find that they’re widely accepted as historical facts.

[click here for the criteria on how to analyze a historical document using internal and external analysis].

Even well-respected newspapers have written about this, and concluded that yes, the person of Jesus of Nazareth existed 2000 years ago.

So we can check this question off: Yes, I believe that Jesus existed.

-> Do you believe that Jesus was the son of God, and God himself?

With so many different accounts of Jesus’ work and message, it’s easy to see his divinity.

This guy wasn’t just a regular man.

I love this video for this point. It’s short, to the point and easy to understand.

Also – and again, I’m trying to not get too deep here – there were hundreds of prophecies made about Jesus and his work, centuries before his birth.

When asked about it, He even said so himself.

But the real anchor of Christiniaty and the answer to this question is the death and resurrection of Jesus.

There’s SO MUCH evidence for Jesus’ resurrection.

Many have tried to disprove his resurrection, and have failed (actually, 90%+ of scholars agree on Jesus’ resurrection and the origins of the Gospels).

Here’s a great article about the resurrection of Jesus.

Again, this quick video does a great job at explaining this whole point. I love the quote they used by C.S. Lewis:

“Someone who claims to be God, is either a liar, a lunatic, or the Lord”.

I’m not going to make a whole argument about the deity of Jesus, but the resources mentioned are a great place to start.

So far:

I believe that there is a God
I believe that Jesus existed
I believe that Jesus is God

So ultimately that lead me to my last question:

Can I believe the Bible? Is it really the inspired word of God? Is it even accurate?

-> Is the Bible a reliable source that contains the word of God?

First, we need to establish if the Bible is reliable at all.

I hope I didn’t lose you at this point!

The Bible may seem crazy sometimes, and I know that there’s tension when it comes to this book.

But yes, there’s a lot of data supporting the accuracy of this collection of documents.

“Two of the greatest 20th-century archaeologists, William F. Albright and Nelson Glueck, both lauded the Bible (even though they were non-Christian and secular in their training and personal beliefs) as being the single most accurate source document from history.

Over and over again, the Bible has been found to be accurate in its places, dates, and records of events. No other “religious” document comes even close.” [via].

Again, I’m all about quickness and convenience, so watch this video for 6 strong reasons for the Bible’s historical reliability.

When it comes to the issue of believing if the Bible is the word of God, there are some key points to consider.

This video is AMAZING at summarizing these points:

Omnipotence: the Bible describes the nature of the world in a way that humans didn’t know at the time. Only the Creator – God would have known those details.
Omniscience: God showing that He knows the future because He’s everlasting. The Bible has THOUSANDS of accurate prophecies.
Holiness: showing a completely different attitude and approach to what humans were used to believing up to that point. Jesus gave completely countercultural messages

Ultimately, believing is a completely personal decision.

But this was my personal process to truly accept -not only emotionally, but rationally- what the Bible says about me.

By anchoring my identity to God, I was finally able to rest in the knowledge that even when I change, my body changes, my preferences change, my last name changes… none of those things make me who I am.

My identity comes from a God that never changes, that is stable, even when my understanding of Him is not.

It was the encouragement I needed to finally reach a conclusion that would put my mind at ease.

4. Some beautiful reasons to change my last name

We already talked about the main reason holding me back from taking my husband’s last name: my lack of identity.

But I haven’t discussed what are some of the reasons that made me want to take, despite fear, the Woo last name.

1. We’re one: Some people wait until they have kids to change their last name, but I don’t want my marriage to be anchored to my kids.

I want my marriage and our commitment to be what holds our family together.

I don’t want to create a healthy home just for the kids and being one of those couples who “make it work” just for the kids, but a home that’s strong because of the commitment we made to each other.

2. I don’t need my last name to prove that I believe in equality of the genders: Some of the things I don’t like about this third and fourth-wave feminism is the constant need to overcompensate and to make a political statement with every action.

Suddenly, keeping any tradition is seen as demeaning to women. And that’s just insane.

Believing in equality also means respecting each person’s choice.

So in our relationship, having my husband’s last name doesn’t mean that I don’t have a voice in the home anymore.

3. It’s just so convenient: okay, time for a superficial reason.

Let’s say that having people pronounce “Eugenia Morgado” for five years in the US hasn’t been fun.

Like at all.

It’s way too difficult to pronounce for non-spanish speakers.

Also, I love how Eugenia Woo sounds, and how we’re now both E. Woo. (Who knew I had this cheesiness in me? ).

In the end, it was a decision that was heavily considered, and one that feels right for us.

I would never pressure anyone into taking their husband’s name, but if you’re struggling with this idea, I do want to challenge you to consider if you’re not letting a name define your identity.

Could the man take the woman’s last name? Sure.

It’s not just a social cause that I would like to give my time to, but I’m not opposed to the idea of having couples in the future maybe changing their name to the woman’s last name, like my friend Romina suggested.

At the end of the day, as always, I just want to encourage you to think and find your identity and what anchors it.

If you’re dealing with confusion in your identity, the signs may be showing in other different areas.

Is there anything in your life that you’re refusing to let go of because you feel affects your identity?

Let me know in the comments, I can’t wait to hear from you!

Make sure you also listen to today’s podcast episode, I know this was a heavy topic. So giving it a listen will definitely give you a different understanding

Until next time, stay safe!!

With love, E!