Doing things with confidence is such an exciting way to do things!
I even have a free mini course to make confident choices. Check it out if you want to finally make a choice and move forward!
I created that course because I know that feeling a lack of confidence can be paralyzing.
And I’ve been in inaction-land for way too long in the past, so trust me, it’s not a destination you want to visit.
However, focusing too much on confidence can end up hurting us, instead of pushing us forward.
P.S. this post may contain affiliate links. This means that if you click through and purchase something, I may receive a portion of the price. It’s at no extra cost to you, but the profits go directly back into improving this blog!
I talked a little bit about this on the blog before when I discussed Taylor Swift’s Miss Americana Documentary.
And then, I was listening to the Afford Anything Podcast and she had an interview with Seth Godin that completely blew my mind.
If you don’t know who he is, Seth Godin is a bestselling author of 19 books, widely known for This is Marketing.
What I really love about him is that, at his core, Seth Godin is a thinker.
He explores ideas and analyzes the world around him.
He’s definitely one of my role-models!
So, in his Afford Anything interview he was discussing some of the principles that he mentions in his new book, The Practice, which is all about creativity.
In summary, Seth explains that we have become obsessed with the results and forgotten about the practice.
Whatever your practice may be.
Confidence is a trap
This is something Seth said that left my speechless.
As a content creator, I used to spend so much time waiting to “find myself” and “understand my authentic self”.
I had writer’s block for months because I couldn’t find what I thought was my “authentic voice”.
“Authentic is a ridiculous concept, and it’s a trap, and no one wants you to be authentic. They want you to be consistent.” – Seth Godin.
But even when this thought has a positive intention, it can become paralyzing and extremely toxic.
But, isn’t lack of confidence the source of all of our problems?
Women have been bombarded by messages that make us believe that our lack of confidence is the only thing holding us back from success.
But it turns out that there’s no conclusive data that proves that confidence is the top-causing cause for success.
Meaning, if you only did ONE thing to change your likelihood to succeed, I wouldn’t tell you to put “being confident’ on top of your list.
Sure, there are some qualities that we usually associate with confidence, such as:
- Resilience
- Self-awareness
- Positivity
But haven’t you had those days when you check all those boxes, and still just NOT FEELING it?
You may be positive about the future. You know who you are. You’re resilient. Yet you’re afraid.
So you keep waiting to “feel good about yourself” to take action.
And the “quest for confidence” cycle begins.
And we have endless sources of “motivation” and “empowerment” on social media. They’re just one click away, so we should feel good about ourselves all the time, right?
The problem is that after your favorite motivational speaker’s video ends, your “feel-good” confidence slowly starts to vanish too.
Then you’re left with the thought that you’re only one motivational speaker or cute Instagram post away from finding your true, confident self.
Because high confidence gives high self esteem, right?
And high self esteem is the secret sauce to success, right?
Maybe not.
The relationship between confidence and self-esteem
When we talk about confidence, we can’t avoid mentioning self esteem.
According to Psychology Today, confidence is to trust oneself and one’s ability to perform a certain activity.
We’re confident when we are sure about what we know.
Self esteem, however, is the emotional appreciation that each person has for her/himself.
I’m not going to go deep into self-esteem today because this, for many, this topic can be related to mental health problems and it would be irresponsible of me to tell you how to approach those deeper psychological topics.
What I’m talking about here, is the never ending quest for confidence. For that boost of emotion and excitement.
Simply put. Confidence is a rational process, and self-esteem an emotional one.
But we keep trying to feel into a rational issue.
I’m talking about feeling incapable of moving forward until we feel confident in our authentic self.
If you truly feel like you’re in a point of confusion and mental imbalance in your life, I strongly suggest therapy.
It has done wonders for me.
But again, make a choice. Do something about it.
Don’t stay in your head, stuck in the cycle of self- esteem and confidence as an excuse to not move forward.
Am I saying to go unfollow every motivational and inspirational content creator you’re already following on Instagram?
Of course not!
But be mindful of them.
Is there any message that is, maybe unintentionally, keeping you stuck?
Are you waiting for confidence to make a move?
Are you waiting for more self-love to feel like you can love others?
Let’s pay attention to when or if any of these messages is giving us an excuse to stop moving forward.
Self-esteem is important, but you can still reach success on your way there
According to author Mark Manson, self-esteem is potentially a result of success, not necessarily the cause.
After reviewing tons of research, he arrived at the conclusion that “when all is said and done, the research on self-esteem really only strongly correlates with one thing: how good people feel, in general” [via].
This article by Lauren Slater on The New York Times also shows that, contrary to popular believe, low self-esteem doesn’t cause poor performance.
People with low self-esteem seem to do just as well in life as people with high self-esteem. In fact, they may do better, because they often try harder.” [via]
Am I saying that we shouldn’t worry about self esteem
Absolutely not!
If you’re feeling a little imbalanced, again, please, go to therapy!
It’s one of the best investments you can make for yourself.
I’m a firm believer in therapy, since it has helped me so, so much to move past traumas and pain.
However, I’d also highly recommend to not stay trapped in the confidence and self-esteem quest.
Instead, decide a goal, create a strategy, put your head down, and practice daily.
Even if that strategy includes going to therapy and seeking professional help if you feel like there’s a psychological imbalance holding you back.
That’s a strategy. That’s action, that’s moving forward.
Trust that God will guide you there, and focus on staying consistent on the process.
So yes, self-esteem is an important part of a healthy mind, but it’s not a prerequisite to showing up and taking consistent action.
Why consistency will take your further than confidence
“The practice is not the means to the outcome, the practice is the outcome. The practice is all we can control”. – Seth Godin
We put too much focus on waiting to have “the confidence for” instead of focusing on the practice itself.
When I put content out, I’m not always “confident”.
I’m actually scared 90% of the time.
Even as I was recording this podcast, I wasn’t very confident on how I looked on video.
But man, I’m excited 200% of the times I create the content that I put out.
And that makes up for the lack of “confidence” I may feel at times.
My focus now is not on being confident or relying on positive feedback.
My focus is to stay consistent with the practice that I know is the right path for me.
Let me say it again in case I just sounded like a bad Hallmark Holiday Card: don’t waste your time trying to be confident ALL the time.
It.is.a.trap.
I will keep you stuck.
I highly encourage you to go back and listen to my 2020 recap. I discuss more about this being such a trap even for Taylor Swift.
I need you to listen to this quote again, because I want you to leave this podcast with this concept in your mind:
“Authentic is a ridiculous concept, and it’s a trap, and no one wants you to be authentic. They want you to be consistent.” – Seth Godin.
So yes, I encourage you to make confident choices. But don’t wait for confidence to move forward.
What to do next?
So hopefully by now, you’ve let go of the idea that you need to feel confident in order to move forward.
Whatever your New Year’s resolutions are, I want to encourage you to decide on concrete action steps (or as Seth Godin would say, practices) that can be part of your practice to take you to your goal.
Be excited about the process.
After all, there’s nothing more feminine than nurturing and flowing instead of depending on achievements or outcomes to feel contentment.
For me, these are some of the practices I’m committing to:
- Stay in prayer and Bible study daily: This is my daily habit that keeps me grounded. It’s a non-negotiable, regardless of how I feel.
- Continue going to therapy so I can manage with a professional any doubt and insecurity, which will help me stop self-analyzing and overthinking every situation.
- Take imperfect action: I love writing, recording my podcast, and creating content. I want to stay consistent, even if I don’t feel like it’s PERFECT in every area. I know that my heart is in the right place, so I know that the right people will find their way to this space, and we’ll grow together.
- Be okay with not feeling “good” all the time: This one’s still a work in progress. After an emotionally challenging year, I’m finally getting to a point where I welcome my emotions as information. Of course, I listen to myself and my body, but I want to continue the practice of not letting my thoughts and feelings dictate my daily actions.
What are some practices you’re committing to this 2021?
It doesn’t have to be big and revolutionary.
My friend Marta is committing to the practice of 20 minutes of daily stretch for her health.
You can commit to read one page a day from a book you’ve been interested in for a while.
If you want to start a side hustle, your practice could be to dedicate 30 minutes, 3 times a week to developing your plan.
Whatever it is, trust that the next step will present itself.
But most importantly, commit to staying consistent, even in the times you’re not feeling too confident.
Pleaseeee slide into my DMs and tell me the practice you’re committing to this year I can’t wait to hear from you!
With love, E. ♡
