I used to be BIG into astrology. Like I would joke around with my friends because I was their unofficial astrologer.
I self studied soooo much about it… and it got to the point where I would try to be sneaky in finding out people’s birthdays only so I could pull out their birth charts and see how compatible we would be.
Needless to say, if I met a guy whose sun sign, rising and moon were not “compatible” to mine, I would be SOOO WORRIED.
I onced literally went on a first date with a guy, casually asked him for his birth date, then went to the bathroom to pull out his birth chart.
I saw that he was a Cancer and I was an Aquarius. No compatibility. Our relationship was already doomed.
I remember another time when I met a guy during the night of an Eclipse that had the potential of bringing me “my soul mate”… so for that reason only, just like that, I started liking him.
It had to work right? I knew that it had all the potential, who cared if he didn’t treat me right at first?
That encounter on that day, and the fact that he was a Gemini, needed to mean something.
Yeah. I know. Not my proudest moments.
With time I’ve recovered from my astrological days.
I now understand that people are sooo different and unique, and trying to guide your personal life by a chart that some random website gave you may probably not be the best idea.
I know, we all love foolproof blueprints
Just like with astrology, we constantly read on so many blogs, Instagram accounts, and podcasts about the RULES of dating.
They promise that if you follow them to a T, you’ll end up with the best relationship of your life.
And sure, some pieces of advice are super useful, and sometimes (often less times than I would like), they come from people who actually know human and couples behavior, so what they’re saying probably has some truths.
However, it is also true that everyone is different and unique.
We’re people made from unique biology, experiences, society, and a bunch of other 9434869302 factors that make us who we are.
This means that everyone has different ways of approaching relationships.
There’s not a “one size fit all” rule that can help you determine the outcome of your relationship.
It’s all about two people finding what works for them.
With that being said…
Some DATING guidelines that could work for you
I love analyzing my previous experiences and the experiences from those around me, to try to come up with some relationship “guidelines” that could work for anyone.
Like a starting point or some general standards that we can all agree on.
I now can say that I’m in the best, healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Is it because we’re “perfect” for each other? Is it because we’re a perfect astrological match? No!
It’s because we’re two imperfect people whose values aligned and made the conscious choice to work for the relationship that we want to build.
There are some basic guidelines that I tried to follow from the beginning, and after asking so many of my friends (both in successful and failed relationships), I want to share them with you so you can then adapt them to you, and confidently build healthy, purposeful and loving relationships.
Whether you are single, or starting to date someone, I hope you find these 7 tips super helpful.
P.S. this post may contain affiliate links. This means that if you click through and purchase something, I may receive a portion of the price. It’s at no extra cost to you, but the profits go directly back into improving this blog!
1. Learn your own ABC’s
You need to ask yourself and understand what your values and non-negotiables are in a relationship.
For example, I love my family, we’re super close. So I couldn’t be with someone who likes to keep the in-laws as far as possible and only see them twice a year.
Know what you value, what is important to you.
I understand that fear of being too “picky”, and while yes, a specific packaging won’t guarantee the success of the relationship (more on that later), we need to be clear on our standards.
“Standards” is one of those fancy terms that with time has lost some of its meaning.
Simply put, the standards are the minimum requirements. They’re the basic qualities that must be present to start a dating relationship.
Some examples can include having shared goals, being a good listener, and being trustworthy.
Word of caution: girl, if he doesn’t keep his word with little things at the beginning, you can already have an idea of his integrity.
2. Don’t be all Cirque du Soleil
You know how Cirque du Soleil has amazing contortionists who are super flexible and agile and they can adjust to any small space?
Ok. Your dating life is not the place for you to prove that you can fold yourself to fit into a small 40 x 40 box.
Sure, in relationships we need to remain flexible and there are areas where we may need to compromise.
For example, let’s say that you aren’t a Star Wars fan and he wants to watch the first trilogy with you.
There’s no need to hold your stand on that one until the day you die because you don’t like his suggestion. In cases like this, you can definitely give in.
However, when the “flexibility” requires you to let go of your values, morals, and principles, you know it’s time for your grand exit.
3. Be a French Poodle
I heard this one on a podcast and it’s so true.
Why French Poodles? French Poodles are very classy, they are not desperate for attention because they have their own canine things going on.
You can pet them and they’re going to like it, but if you don’t, they’re going to keep doing their own thing.
Cultivate a hobby, start volunteering, and fill your day with things that you look forward to so your partner doesn’t become your sole source of joy.
Also, keep your boundaries. If someone is disrespecting you and making you feel unappreciated from the beginning, please French Poodle your way out of that situation.
I promise, you’re not supposed to be that guy’s savior.
4. You’re not Dora the Explorer
You don’t need to “explore” endlessly before finding the right person.
There’s this fear that we have that there could be something better around the corner waiting for you.
Remember, it’s not about finding the “perfect” person. It’s about two imperfect people deciding to create the perfect relationship for them.
A little disclaimer here. I’m not talking about settling or staying with the wrong person.
Sometimes we just know in our souls that the person we’re with is not supposed to be “our person”.
You don’t know why, but something doesn’t feel right. Let’s say you start feeling like a circle in a square party; nothing wrong with squares, it’s just that you won’t ever quite fit.
If that’s the case, of course, move on. I promise that the right love is possible.
But living in Miami I’ve realized that 8 out of 10 times, people (yes, both men and women) have this constant feeling of “what if I could do someone hotter/richer/cuter?”.
If you go out to any bar, you’ll see how most people, even though they’re with someone, keep looking around, just to see “what/who else is out there”.
Just remember: there’s not a magic number that you need to reach before finding “your person”.
5. You don’t need another self healing crystal
One of the things we’ve taken to the extreme as a society is the notion that we can’t love others until we love ourselves.
Sure, mental health and self esteem are super important to cultivate healthy relationships, and there is a time and a place to getting to know ourselves before going into a relationship and knowing what we value in another person.
But when we get too self-focused, we start thinking that we need to be in some sort of perfect angelical state of being before venturing into a relationship.
Then, every time we meet someone we start micro analyzing everything, and we think that every little issue is probably just a sign that you need to do some more self work.
Relationships are risky and make us vulnerable, but the fear of not knowing to a T how everything is going to work out, shouldn’t hold us back from experiencing all the beautiful and exciting things that can come out of them.
6. find your own whole Florida Orange
We’re also obsessed with this concept of finding our “half orange”, the person that’s going to complete us.
But we need to find what makes us a complete valuable person, or a whole Florida Orange (aka the best oranges in the world), instead of waiting to find that person that makes us feel whole.
Yes, as I said in the previous point, we shouldn’t fall into the self-improvement trap before opening up our hearts, but it’s also important to understand that your partner’s job is not to fulfill us.
He’s not the missing piece you’ve always been waiting for.
Sometimes we feel some type of “emptiness” and we think that it will only be filled when the “right person” comes along.
Then, you’ll take sunset walks on the beach and be happily ever after.
Errrh. Not really.
While we shouldn’t wait until we have it all figured out to venture into a relationship, we do need to understand where our sense of fulfilment comes from.
If you are feeling that longing, I could talk to you about how God has filled mine.
Maybe you’re dating someone you really like, and you’re reading this and realize that you haven’t found fulfillment outside your partner yet.
Does that mean that you should break up and focus on yourself? Maybe, but not necessarily.
Remember point 5: you don’t need to have it all figured out.
However, I highly encourage you to actively find that fulfillment, or that deliciously whole Florida Orange, somewhere else other than in your partner.
7. Even Jen and Brad broke up
There’s no guarantees.
I know you’re making your perfect list of the qualities that your partner should have. The type of job he should have, the ideal number of zeros on his bank account, the ideal hairline for his age.
However, none of that will guarantee success.
Jen and Brad were perfect on paper, but things sometimes just don’t work out, and that’s okay.
Don’t even get me started on how the relationship ended 😡
Focus on the journey and values of your partner, rather than on a set of outcomes that don’t really tell you much about his heart, values, and drive to grow.
Probably by now, you already have a pretty clear idea on what you value and your standards (go back to Tip 1 to refresh your memory).
This last tip it’s about remembering that there’s no “perfect” formula to happily ever after.
So there you have it. You can stop being Dora and become your own version of Meredith Grey.
Yes, human relations are way more complex than what an astrological chart may tell us.
Trust me, I know that we want fast Uber-delivered easy answers to our lives, especially to our relationships.
But if you do the work and ask yourself the tough questions, you’ll be able to cultivate purposeful relationships, and they will be way better than what any Sunday edition horoscope could ever predict.
Let me know in the comments if any of these tips resonate to you!
You can also listen to the podcast episode on this same topic.
And if you end up getting way too many date options, make sure to check out my life-changing model for decision making that will definitely help you choose the right person 😉!
See you soon!
With love, E.
