When I started dating Woo, I didn’t know what to expect.
Sure, I had been in relationships before, but it never felt right.
Imagine a circle in a square party: never quite fitting in.
I also would loooove a dramatic situation.
“It’s complicated” status? It was my forever favorite.
Emotionally unavailable men? Omg don’t even get me started. I lived for that.
If you’re subscribed to my weekly emails, then you probably know about how I made a fool of myself trying to craft a “perfect relationship”.
And yes, it involved a 2 am Youtube rabbit hole on dating advice.
So, fast forward to 2019, after giving up on my ways and all the Youtube-advice ways, I decided to give faith-led dating a shot.
That’s a whole story for another post, but in short, I made a list of the “qualities” I wanted in a partner.
Some of the items on list included:
- Someone who loved Jesus
- A wonderful leader
- A man that would pursuit me (in a non-creepy way)
When I met Woo, I quickly realized that he “checked” all my boxes.
And I took my own dating advice to make sure we set a strong foundation.
From the beginning, we were intentional with our relationship.
We asked each other the right questions, talked about our life goals, our faith beliefs, and so much more.
Some of my friends even told me that it was TMI too soon.
But hey, it worked! haha
But when it came to building a long-term healthy relationship that eventually evolved to marriage, I still had a lot to learn.
See, we both come from divorced parents, so we really didn’t have a healthy marriage to look up to growing up.
One of the pivotal people in our journey of learning and growing our relationship right after Woo and I got engaged, was Michelle Grosser.
Meet michelle grosser
Michelle Grosser is a lawyer, a wife, a mom, and happens to be a facilitator of the premarital course at our church.
(and btw, I HIGHLY recommend it as you start getting serious with your partner).
Michelle and her husband Jeff were pillars that helped us define the type of marriage we wanted to have.
She’s such a SMART woman.
She’s also fun, loving, and kind.
She’s simply fav and has the type of hair that would make all the Monat girls jealous.
Imagine when she accepted my invitation to be on the podcast.
Fangirl freaking out.
Having her on my podcast was an HONOR!
Whether you’re in a relationship and are looking for ways to improve it, or are single but want to build a solid foundation, this episode won’t let you down.
Give yourself the precious gift of time, and listen to every minute of this interview with Michelle.
I’m sure it’s going to give you tools and resources, no matter where you are in your relationship right now.
Some of the things we discussed were:
- Achieving career-related goals while keeping a healthy relationship for so long.
- Surviving challenges in marriage, including miscarriages and postpartum depression.
- How to build a strong foundation in your relationship.
- The formula of love – aka the Triangular Theory of Love.
- How to transition out of the honeymoon stage.
- How to identify red-flags in long term relationships.
- How to know when it’s time to break up a long term relationship.
- The increasing fear of commitment in women.
- The importance of defining femininity for you and to explore it in your relationship.
Takeaways to-go!
1. The “formula” of love
This refers to Triangular Theory of Love, which was coined by Robert Sternberg.
He basically points to the 3 components of romantic love:
1. Intimacy:
This is the emotional component / the connection that we feel.
It’s about feeling known and feeling safe. Knowing that the other person is truly going to hear you and understand you.
It’s also a shared history.
The longer you are with someone, you have greater intimacy with them.
In my experience, intimacy evolves with time and by truly caring for the other person.
2. Passion:
It’s that hormonal aspect that we can’t even explain.
It’s that feeling that raises up without a logical reason.
We shouldn’t ignore the passion in a long-term relationship, especially when we’re married!
3. Commitment:
This is the base of the triangle. This is the willful part.
Here you’re making a decision or choosing romantic love.
There are two levels of commitment:
- Macro commitment: it’s a long term, macro choice. It goes something along the lines of:
“I choose you; you’re my person. I’m not gonna be walking around to see what other options are out there.”
- Miro commitment: choosing every day, every moment to be committed to someone.
It has to do with your tone, your attitude, or the way that you’re showing love.
2. Red flags in a long-term relationship:
Besides the initial red flags of dating like:
- Not being committed and consistent with their word (such as standing you up for a date #BeenThereDoneThat)
- Not respecting your physical boundaries
- Needing constant reassurance
These are some of the things to be careful of in a long-term relationship:
1. How do they fight?:
It’s not about what you fight about, but HOW you fight about it.
Fights should be:
- Fair
- Respectful
- Non-critical
2. What’s your commitment level?:
Are you both in the same place?
If one of the two feels like they’re “waiting” forever for the other, that can create resentment.
3. Do you have a shared vision?:
For your family, for your future, for your faith?
For your personal and your professional goals?
4. General communication skills:
Communication it’s a journey. It doesn’t work as a certificate that you complete and you’re done learning.
5. Are you compromising on your non-negotiables?:
If you don’t know what your basics, or non-negotiables are, this post is just what you need.
However, don’t be too picky.
Be willing to compromise when it’s not something life-changing for you.
Some of Michelle’s non-negotiables are:
- She doesn’t want to be micromanaged by her partner
- She doesn’t want to be spoken to in a condescending voice by her partner
These are just some of the incredible things she said during our interview, but I’m telling you, Michelle’s lessons on relationships are a pure gem!
If you come from here to the podcast, please leave a review on iTunes letting me know that you came from the blog.
It’d be so so cool to see that!
Would you like a part 2 with Michelle Grosser? Let me know in the comments below!
See you next time!!
With love, Eugenia ♡
