I’m ending the month of love like an old lady curled up in my couch, still getting used to this North Carolina winter weather, but super excited about today’s topic:
LOVE.
A few weeks ago, I said on IG that, contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to love others before loving yourself.
In that post I said that it was about the definition of love. And how we culturally see love, vs how deep love can be, and was intended to be.
I got so many DMs talking about it! A lot of people were confused, or simply disagreed with me.
They said that you needed to be healthy and have self-esteem before caring for another person’s needs.
Kind of a “put your oxygen mask first before helping the person next to you” type of thing.
And I get it, as someone who has fought many mental health battles for years, I understand the importance of being at peace with yourself before jumping into a relationship.
However, true love goes beyond the positive feelings we have towards the person next to us.
And yes, even towards ourselves.
Today we’ll be discussing:
- My story with love and self-love
- What is love
- What love is not
- Why you don’t need to love yourself before loving others
- How you can start loving others today
P.S. this post may contain affiliate links. This means that if you click through and purchase something, I may receive a portion of the price. It’s at no extra cost to you, but the profits go directly back into improving this blog!
My Story
In 2019 my heart was shattered into a million pieces, and I knew it was time to pay attention to many issues that I had been ignoring for years.
I wish I could tell you that I had a story of miraculous healing where all my problems went away.
Anxiety, depression. Every day felt like a battle.
I had to start facing trauma to start healing.
But even in the midst of the pain, I made a choice: I was not going to close myself up to love.
However, I had compassion for where I was and I showed up to the best I could on that season.
I did hide and got away from people when it felt too hard to even face casual conversations.
So my 100% back then definitely didn’t look like my 100% now.
And I hope it doesn’t look like my 100% in a couple of years.
But I’m so glad that I didn’t wait until “fully loving myself” before letting love into my life.
I chose to love with what I had in that moment. And I found beautiful people along the way that were willing to be patient and love me back in my journey.
If you’re facing a struggle right now, I don’t want you to feel “pressured” to do more, sometimes just getting out of bed is enough.
For me, it looked like taking one step at a time. I chose to keep in mind that there’s a world outside of my struggles that’s also struggling with its own demons.
And sometimes, a little bit of the love I could give was all it took to make a difference on someone else.
I can tell you from experience, some of the most wonderful and meaningful relationships in my life came during some of my darkest seasons.
Even in my brokenness I was able to find love. To receive love, and love others.
I know you may be struggling with this idea, so let’s explore it further!
And of couse, I must give credits to three people that have been able to articulate this topic wonderfully:
- C.S. Lewis.
- Tim Keller (this book and this book are awesome).
- Allie Stuckey: she has some strong political opinions, but articulates this topic of love in a way totally relatable and digestible.
There’s a Difference Between “Like” & “Love”
Our culture defines love as a feeling. As “liking”.
When most Instagram accounts say “love yourself”, they mean: like yourself. Be excited about your cellulite. Celebrate your flaws!
And while yes, of course, self-esteem is important and mental health should be a priority, it is not a prerequisite for loving the ones around us.
Because love goes beyond just “liking” or being “excited” about someone.
“It is a mistake to think that you must “feel” love to give it” – Tim Keller.
The four types of love
C.S. Lewis is an incredible author who wrote a book about the four types of love. His book is revealing, beautiful and challenging.
And this is how he classifies the four types of love:
- Eros, aka romantic love.
- Storge, aka familiar love.
- Philia, aka intimacy without romantic attraction.
- Agape, aka selfless and unconditional love.
1. Eros
It is romantic love and sexual passion. It comes mostly from instinct.
2. Storge
This one is a familiar love. Between parents and children, or childhood friends. Rooted in memories. It’s a deep appreciation.
3. Philia
This is what we see in friendships. It’s about intimacy without physical attraction or romantic passion.
4. Agape
It’s selfless love, unconditional love. It is the highest level of love that we can offer.
It is a decision to care for the well-being of the other person.
There’s a super popular Bible verse that both Christians and Non-Christians know, and it says that the greatest commandment is to “love your neighbor as yourself”.
And for many, myself included up to a couple of years ago, this meant a calling to love myself more.
Because the love I gave others, I thought, would be proportional to the love I gave myself.
The problem is, that this verse uses the word “Agape” to talk about love.
It’s not a calling to love yourself more, but to care about your neighbor’s well-being as much as you naturally take care of your own.
Because Agape love towards the self is natural.
It’s natural to seek our wellbeing.
In his 250th Pensé, Blaise Pascal explains that
“All men seek happiness without exception… it is the motive of all actions of all men, even of those who contemplate suicide”.
It’s harsh and uncomfortable, but it’s true.
Caring for our wellbeing and trying to alleviate the pain we feel comes naturally.
We naturally want to meet our needs.
And this is the love that we’ve all heard from the Bible “love your neighbor as yourself”.
It’s not a call to “like” ourselves more, but an invitation to look out for the wellbeing of others.
It doesn’t diminish the importance of mental health but reminds us that there are others who may be suffering as much as, or even more than us.
Which one is the main one?
These love categories are very fluid, you can have different types in one relationship, or one relationship can morph from one to the other.
For example, growing up I had Storge love with my brother. But now, he is also my best friend, so I have Philia love towards him too.
We have a lot in common and have a close relationship filled with trust.
Also, there are cases like my friend Caro’s.
She and her husband Greg were best friends, a beautiful Philia type of love.
But with time, they fell in Eros love.
So they started a romantic relationship because now their Philia intimacy had a physical attraction.
Every type of love is different, and every type of love has its place.
They all can be beautiful and exciting, but when they rest on Agape love, they become something deep, challenging, and transformative.
They become true Biblical love.
A mom can have Storge love for her baby, while also deciding to love him or her with Agape love.
This means that she’ll love him even when she’s tired and hasn’t slept a lot.
She’ll care for that baby’s need above her own.
In my marriage, we also have all types of love, but they all rest on Agape love.
I make the well-being of my husband a priority, even when I’m too tired to make breakfast for him at 6 am before he goes to work.
And the same is true for other people and relationships in your life.
You don’t need to “like” the girl who sits next to you in the office in order to bring her soup after she has surgery.
What love is not
Since I’ve talked about what love – Agape love – looks like, someone may say: “E, are you saying that I should tolerate my boyfriend’s abusive behavior in the name of love?”
Absolutely not! Love can coexist without making you:
- Forget your boundaries
- Accept abuse. Whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical.
- Ignore your suffering. I’ve said it a lot! Mental illness is real, don’t ignore it. Your mental health struggles are not your fault. You didn’t make a choice. It may be where you are right now, but it’s not WHO you are.
- Stop taking showers for weeks because you have little kids who need you.
Being healthy will make you love others and show up for others better.
But be careful, and this is a big “Caution” sign.
Because self-care and self-love can be intoxicating.
And one healthy action can become in a self-centered life.
A life where you never feel “ready” to show up for the one who needs it most.
A life where you stop paying attention to the pain around you because you’re too full of your own.
That is why you don’t need to love yourself before loving others
When we decide to be led by Agape love, our actions of love stop depending on emotion.
They stop depending on how attracted we feel, or how much in common we have with that person, or how entertaining they are.
The way we love doesn’t depend on ever changing circumstances anymore.
A little disclaimer here.
Again, I’m not talking about letting people disrespect and walk over you because “you love them”.
You can love others, and still set boundaries.
If you haven’t, I truly encourage you to go listen to that episode of the podcast.
There, my best friend Estefania and I talk about the importance of boundaries and making intentional time to rest away from the world.
There are times when retreat and solitude are the healthiest moves you can make.
But when you love – Agape love – you don’t stop loving because your emotions are unbalanced.
“Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor. Act as if you did.” – C.S. Lewis
Cool, but how does love look like?
You may ask: “E, this sounds great in theory, but I don’t understand how to apply it to my life”.
Glad you asked my friend 😏
Some practical steps you can take NOW to love others with deep, Agape love, are:
- Look out for the needs of someone close to you. It may seem countercultural, but care about that person, or a specific group’s needs as if they were your own.
- Try to understand others’ perspectives, as you naturally justify your actions. We see our actions as somehow righteous, but sometimes we can be extra judgemental with others. Give that other person the same compassion that you’d give your own mistakes. Again, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t respect your boundaries or allow abuse. You can have compassion and still create space. But at least you don’t do it from a place of anger or perceived superiority.
- We talk a lot about injustices and disparities around us, yet many times we’re too busy thinking about ourselves to make an effort to love on those who need it most.
I love a quote by Allie Stuckey’s book that says “we’re free to love people right now, rather than waiting until we have positive feelings towards ourselves”.
I hope this post leaves you inspired to love in the best way you can today.
Loving with Agape love is so transformational, and if you’ve experienced it, please let me know in the comments below!
Alsooo please, if you haven’t please subscribe to the podcast and leave a review, it really helps the show grow.
I see you soon, thank you for the support!
With love, E. ♡
Psst… I think you’ll love these posts too!
