I love being a woman.
I’ve been fortunate to have amazing women in my life that have shaped me into the person I am today.
When I started my first podcast in 2017, I didn’t know a lot about the industry, I just knew that I wanted to create a space to empower other Latinas.
So I jumped into this wild and creative project: De Vinos y Otros Cuentos (“Wine & Other Stories in English).
I created the concept with a friend, then invited my cousin to join me as a co host, and then I did it with my best friend for a while.
I have to admit it. The process of empowering other women, was a way for me to figure out what being a woman even meant.
I decided to listen to every empowering message out there.
As you may know, I was superwoman. Externally, I was sexy, and loud, and wasn’t going to let no men hold me down!
However, internally, all that empowering talk wasn’t translating into more wellbeing.
Or a healthier mindstate.
I was still afraid, insecure, and wasn’t even sure of who I was.
(Granted, I was in my mid 20s, which is the era of self discovery).
But looking back, I realize that my self discovery wasn’t coming from a place of love or compassion.
It was coming from fear. From trying to match my subconscious mind with this perfect being that, according to Instagrammer, I was already at my core.
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I thought that I was THE SH*T.
And that only society-imposed insecurity was keeping me from realizing my full potential.
Eventually, with time, a loooooooot of frustration and overwhelm, I understood that I’m not enough. And that’s okay.
I understood that I’m valuable as a person, but I was far from being “enough” to be my own god.
And at that moment, I found true freedom, and true empowerment.
Why do I tell you this story?
Because by coming to terms with my perceived inadequacies, I was able to humble myself and explore the topic of womanhood from a different perspective.
I realized that cultural feminism doesn’t represent me. And that in, most cases, I even find it harmful for women.
Today’s post is going to equip you with the tools you need to hopefully identify the messages that are negatively impacting you in the name of “empowerment”.
My hope is to inspire you. To give you a different perspective.
I don’t want to change your mind, I want to present you with a different option.
Maybe you haven’t felt truly “empowered” no matter how hard you try.
Maybe finally you’re going to understand why.
Quick Background on Feminism
1848: Marks an official plot twist in women’s history in the US. The first convention for Women’s Right was held.
“Feminism, a belief in the political, economic and cultural equality of women, has roots in the earliest eras of human civilization. It is typically separated into three waves: first wave feminism, dealing with property rights and the right to vote; second wave feminism, focusing on equality and anti-discrimination, and third wave feminism, which started in the 1990s as a backlash to the second wave’s perceived privileging of white, straight women.” [via]
So you can see how a term that a positive meaning, and it that original and purist sense, I can consider myself a feminist.
But today, I wouldnt call myself a “modern” feminist, because I don’t think that the causes that the current feminist movement supports are helpful for women.
First Wave Feminism (fight for women’s right to vote.
This wave started with the main goal of fighting for women’s right to vote.
The famous Declaration of Sentiment they proclaimed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men and women are created equal.”
You would think that a Western world highly influenced by Christianity would agree, since the Bible says that over and over:
Women and men are equal, in terms of value, but different in terms of biology and purpose.
And also does Classical Liberalism, which inspired the declaration of independence.
Then in the 19th century, women started entering the workforce.
Granted, we had like only three jobs we could do, but that was massive progress from the feminist movement.
So with time, this movement started to fight for equal payment for equal job, meaning, to be paid the same as a man would for the same job.
And they achieved it. Awesome, everything great until then.
Then we have Second Wave Feminism (focused on women’s liberation)
This second wave went from the 60s to the 90s.
Here the calling was for independence and having a sit at the table.
There was also a call for inclusion in the workplace.
Kathleen OLeary, who I interviewed on episode 2 of the podcast, talks briefly about that time when women were ignored at the workplace, they weren’t respected, they had to dress like men.
She said that she now looks back and is happy to see that we’ve come a long way.
Third Wave Feminism: focused on inclusion
At the time, feminists argued that mostly white and college educated women were benefiting from liberation.
So they wanted to include representation of black women, immigrants, and the LGBTQ+ community.
I really looked for some achievements – concrete achievements – of third wave feminism and couldn’t find anything.
I’m talking tangible changes in legislation.
Their biggest accomplishment was the advancement of the pro-abortion movement and… yeah, I won’t go into that today.
But when I read the words of famous third wave feminists, truly their biggest pride is the achievements in abortion expansion.
And yes, women had huge achievements during this time, since the beginning of the 90s, but I’m not sure that the feminist movement is the main one to thank for it.
So here’s where I say that things hit the fan.
Downhill from here.
Sálvese quien pueda.
These ideas, as every radical idea ever, sounds amazing.
One of my personal values is inclusion, diversity and respect.
I value life regardless of ethnicity.
So we can all agree that all women deserve to be given the freedom to choose their own path.
The problem here, is that the moment wasn’t fighting a concrete issue, but making social experiments based on feelings and anecdotal evidence.
Fourth Wave Feminism (okay, this one is not official)
Not everyone identifies as a “fourth wave”, but I agree that this kind of feminism that we’re currently living is different.
It started with the #MeToo movement, which encouraged women to speak about sexual assault and sexual abuse.
I was so proud of many of my friends! Girl, it takes courage to speak up because there’s still a huge stigma about “she had it coming” because of the skirt she wore.
However, the messages now seek to empower us to understand our “greatness”.
We’re now called to recognize the goddess in ourselves, and avoid any human interaction or act of love until we love our cellulite.
Best selling author, Glennon Doyle, in her wildly popular book, Untamed, writes:
“… And religion, sweet Jesus.
The lesson of Adam and Eve – the first formative story I was told about God and a woman – was this:
When a woman wants more, she defies God, betrays her partner, curses her family, and destroys the world.
Can you imagine?
The epitome of womanhood is to lose one’s self completely.
That is the end goal of every patriarchal culture.
Because a very effective way to control women is to convince women to control themselves.
Maybe Eve was never meant to be our warning.
Maybe she was meant to be our model.
Own your wanting.
Eat the apple.
Let it burn.”
Yeah…
I’m sorry that Glenon had such horrible Bible teachers, but that was not the reason for the fall.
It was about man (as in both men and women) wanting to be god. Wanting to rely on ourselves.
Glennon Doyle’s book, which btw was on every pop culture outlet as a must read for 2020, summarizes the kind of feminism that we’re living today.
A feminism that says: you can’t do no wrong because you are a woman.
Glennon later adds in her book:
“What the world needs is more women who have quit fearing themselves and started trusting themselves.
What the world needs is masses of women who are entirely out of control.”
So now we’ve normalized an extended adolescence.
We’re supposed to be free, so we should feel better right?
According to a Mental Health America 2021 report about the state of Mental Health in the US, even before Covid, 19% of adults experienced a mental illness.
This was a 1.5 million people increase from the year before.
According to Anxiety and Depression Association of America, women are twice as likely as men to be impacted by Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
There’s also 70% more prevalence of mental illness in women than in men.
I’m not saying that feminism is to blame, this is a very complex issue, but if a more “liberated” society truly equaled complete wellbeing and satisfaction, we would at least see a decrease in women.
So this is the New feminism
According to Tammy Bruce, a former National Organization for Women member and author, there are three main pillars to feminism.
They were intended to highlight areas of focus in women’s issues.
However, modern feminism has had the opposite effect:
Dignity:
This promotes the idea that a woman should always be able to freely choose her own path in life.
But today, many women don’t feel safe saying that they want to be a wife and a mother.
A lot, and I mean, A LOT, of women have this desire inside of them, but they’ve chosen to stay quiet because they don’t want to give explanations.
Other women feel lazy or mediocre when they choose their kids over their career.
Am I saying that women belong in the home?
Absolutely no, but every single feminist and “empowering” message today says that we are made “for more”.
Not all choices are respected, not all choices are valued.
We want dignity, yet, the bigger representations of feminism -not all, of course- celebrate when a woman, tired of being treated like an object, starts objectifying men, or worse, herself.
Or they are being told that we should treat men as sexual commodities, because you know, empowerment.
Again, a lot of current feminist messages claim to fight for women, yet their solution is to encourage women to disrespect, and violate their own bodies, before anyone else has the chance to do it.
We also have the hookup culture.
There’s a wonderful documentary on Netlifx on this topic.
It shows how men and women are basically groomed from a young age to become these sexualized objects.
Show me a woman, over 17, who says that she hasn’t, and has no desire, to engage in sexual activity, and who’s not “bullied” or called a “prude”.
Is our dignity currently protected? I’m not so sure.
The Word “No”:
Another pillar that classic feminism used to fight for.
Having the power to say “No”.
Sure, here we can have different interpretations.
I think that the awareness that there is about how a lack of “no” doesn’t mean “yes”, is AMAZING.
In the past, a lot of men would abuse women because, even though they said no, according to these men, their “eyes” said otherwise.
So yes, I celebrate the autonomy that we have gained.
However, do women really have the power to say “no” today?
Or are we too afraid to be perceived as “old-fashioned”, or “high-maintenance”, or “controlling”?
Do we really have the power to say “no” to someone who’s emotionally abusing, or gaslighting us?
Do we really feel confident to stand our ground without sending a screenshot to our friend asking whether we are over-reacting?
I don’t think so.
That wasn’t my experience, hasn’t been a lot of my friends’ experiences, and from what I’ve read inside Facebook groups, hasn’t been the experience of A LOT of other women.
Tammy Bruce says:
“Young women are robbing themselves of their power, and they need to take it back.
Saying “NO” means: I will not be defined by anyone else. Not by feminists, and Not by men’s sexual desires.
That is female power”.
Men:
Are there disgusting men? Absolutely.
Are there politicians who talk about women as if we existed just to please? Absolutely.
Have we seen a huge decrease of reported sexual assault in the last 50 year? Yes, and thank God, and women for speaking out!
But we need to be clear about something: men are not the enemy. We need them to be part of the battle.
They have been important, and continue being so helpful.
I don’t see men as my oppressors, I see them as my partners.
I for sure have found abusers.
I have experienced men using their power to minimize women in the workplace.
But I’ve also seen incredible men standing up for what is right, and those men don’t deserve to be in the same group as the first group of disgusting pigs.
“Feminists are angry at men, but they want to be like them at the same time”.
Because internally that’s the definition we have of power.
Instead of trying to explore and understand where our natural and biological power comes from, our culture tells us that we need to grab the power that men have by behaving like them.
Instead of teaching boys to respect women, and encouraging other women to hold the men we date to a high standard, we have decided to be more like them.
Instead of telling rappers that they’re not allowed to write about us as if we were animals, we have decided to write our own lyrics about ourselves, saying all the things that were offensive before.
Bottom line: are we happier?
Has our relationship with men improved?
Have you, or any of your friends, ever been confused because a guy gives you the minimum attention and is not clear about what he wants?
Again, I don’t think so.
My Personal Perspective: where do i stand?
I’m not going to spend a long time here, because my goal is just for you to have a different perspective, not necessarily to change your mind.
However, I think it’s also important to tell where I currently stand:
- I agree with the original ideas of feminism, but not with many of the methods and the consequences of a movement that has been led by anger.
I think the movement has failed to include all women.
Look at a women’s march and the leaders of the movement.
They don’t represent my opinions and would probably call me “oppressed”.
In general, I’m not crazy about labels.
The only label I’ll wear PROUDLY is daughter of God.
And I’m honestly tired of being put in a box and having to “fit” a mold.
I know that this can be a controversial topic, but I deeply believe that it’s important that we understand what terms mean and what movements stand for.
I think that instead of being picky about how you choose to identify yourself, it’s more important to look at your heart.
Are you looking to build women up through their dignity, the power to say no, and the relationship with men?
Or are you trying to have a “crusade” to angrily take back what “the patriarchy” has stolen from you?
Ultimately, Fairly Bold is a space for you: a dreamer who’s driven and excited to reach her goals, but feels kinda out of place in the whole “cool female empowerment” crowd.
Wherever you are in your journey, I’m happy to be doing it with you!
I would love to connect with you on my Instagram.
Tell me, what feelings or thoughts do you associate with the word feminist?
Talk to you soon my love!
With love, E. ♡
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